$15 to $30

May. 22, 2012 CHRISTIAN MOREAU PÈRE & FILS Chablis 2010 (89 points, $25)

Shows equilibrium between the rich texture and vibrant structure. Green plum, apple and chalk flavors hold the center ground, with a fine, resonant finish. Best from 2013 through 2018. 2,000 cases imported. —Bruce Sanderson

Weekend wines: Try these two $10 hits from Austria

By Edward Deitch, Vint-ed.com

Two excellent $10 wines are notable not only for what’s inside the bottles, but for what’s on the outside – some of the more creative labeling I have seen. The wines are from Austria, a grüner veltliner and a zweigelt. While grüner has become a popular white alternative in the United States, the zweigelt is less known.

Enter Monika Caha, who is something of an Austrian wine impresario in this country and who realized that she had an opportunity to help Americans navigate those pesky Austrian grape names while introducing them to some very good and inexpensive wines. Her solution was to brand the wines with the phonetic versions of the names and some colorful artwork that makes them stand out.

Thus, the grüner veltliner was named “Grooner” and the red zweigelt was called “Zvy-gelt,” which tells consumers how to pronounce the varieties and, for browsers in wine stores, turns the often-intimidating German-language label issue into something playful.  The names are shouted out by a “Grooner Girl,” as the company calls her.

Unlike most gimmicky labels, these two are backed up by the quality of the wines. Both are produced by the Meinhard Forstreiter winery in the Kremstal region of Lower Austria. The 2010 Grooner is fresh, light and zesty with green apple, lime and herb notes and a touch of smokiness. It’s a good introduction to the variety and will pair well with a variety of lighter foods, including fish and chicken dishes and asparagus. Alcohol is 12 percent.

The 2009 Zvy-gelt is all about spicy cherry and has a subtle and intriguing menthol note. It is somewhat like pinot noir but more peppery. Softly tannic, it’s easy to drink but packs a lot of interest for its $10 price. Try it with burgers, pizza and other casual foods. Alcohol is 13 percent. Imported by Frederick Wildman and Sons, New York.

At a lunch on Wednesday the charming owners, Ernesto and Anna Abbona, along with their two college-aged children, Valentina and Davide, showed off six vintages of their Barolo Riserva going back to 1970, and Wow! this is what great red wine is all about. It reminded me of old Bordeaux’s, before they got modern and international. An educational and sensory treat.

The stand-out: the 1970. Forty one years old, and still fresh and vibrant, not loosing a step, redolent of sous bois aromas and flavors, along with a granite-like minerality. A stunning wine.

Watch out for a Nick’s WineCast and Nick’s Wine Of The Week from the same tasting, a wine that you can actually buy.

Once you've booked your trip, celebrate with a petite bottle (375 ml) of Pol Roger White Foil ($30). Founded in 1849, Pol Roger is one of only a few Grande Marque Champagne houses that remains family owned and operated. Pol Roger White Foil is a beguiling blend of equal parts Pinot Noir, Pinot Meunier, and Chardonnay, with a minimum of 3 years of aging. The citrus flavors and notes of toasty brioche make Pol Roger White Foil the perfect bubbly to sip while planning your Parisian extravaganza!

Good things: small packages

April 24, 2012 at 6:00 am by Anna Bowers

As a girl who stopped growing sometime in the 6th grade, I believe that bigger doesn’t always equal better. Case in point? Splits of wine. Especially bubbly wine. Now, this never rarely happens in my world, but I’ve been told that (gasp!) unfinished bottles of red and white wine are still drinkable a few days after opening. But bubbly? Whether cava, prosecco, cremant or the real deal, the bottle doesn’t keep it’s fizz for too long. Not that I’ve ever experienced the issue of an unfinished bottle of bubbly.

If you want more than one glass, but aren’t inclined to consume the whole 750 ml., may I suggest a split? Pint sized fun, fizz and fabulousness packaged in 375 milliliters.¡Perfecto! With the Pol Roger ‘White Label’ (NV) you are going to get the traditional blend of Pinot Noir, Pinot Meunier and Chardonnay in equal parts to create a Champagne that has body, freshness and elegance of character.

Pol Roger is a small family business that owns half of the vineyards used in the production of their Champagne. They spend more money on creating a gorgeous, consistently excellent product than on a massive advertising campaign – which might be why they are not as well known as other Champagne houses in this country.  However, since the Brut Réserve Non Vintage was served at the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton last year, it’s visibility on the U.S. market should increase.

And, of course, it’s just as delicious in it’s full-sized version . . .

Post Script: I shared a split with my roommate and brother last night. We each had three good sized pours. The boys opted for theirs straight up, while I added a sugar cube with a few dashes of bitters for the sake of feeling a bit glamorous.

Move Over Beer, Wine Pairs Well With Pizza

Apr18

 

Picture this: You’re throwing a party and decide to order pizza. You call the restaurant hoping to get through on the first ring while contemplating exactly which toppings will be fan favorites. You wait up to thirty minutes for it to arrive and when the delivery guy shows up at your door, you scramble to find cash, calculate tip and try to muscle your way through the crowd carrying multiple boxes of heavy pies. Then, all your guests bum rush you as they pick through for the perfect slice, putting their fingers all over their piece and everyone else’s. If you’re lucky to snag a bite for yourself, there’s a good chance it won’t even still be hot.

Now, picture this: The delivery guy is actually a renowned chef. He shows up right at your door, on time, and parks himself (literally) in front of your house ready to greet your guests. You don’t have to make any topping decisions because he brings them all for you, and no one will be touching your slice because dammit there’s enough to go around. You can easily access more than just one piece for yourself from the active station, and it’s always piping hot and cooked to perfection right on the spot. There’s no heavy lifting and no stacks of grease stained pizza boxes to dispose of when it’s all done. Oh and the pizza? It’s gourmet.

After eight seasons as Robert Irvine’s Sous Chef on Food Network’s Dinner: Impossible, Chef David Britton has taken his own show on the road…literally. Pies on Wheels traveling pizza truck boasts a 6,500 lb Earthstone wood fire oven preparing specialty creations to cater any private function or large event. Equipped with running water, a compact kitchen and a refrigerated toppings drawer, this chef is always ready to roll.

I had the opportunity to experience the mobile pizzeria first hand when Stew Leonard’s Wines of Norwalk and Castello Monaci hosted a classic food and wine pairing event. Customers were invited to dig into samples of mouthwatering pies while Castello Monaci poured a selection of their hand-crafted vinos inside the store. While beer is often associated with a hot, cheesy slice, Luigi Seracca, Brand Ambassador for Castello Monaci said, ”Our wines are a great match with pizza.” Chef Britton agreed. “The flavor profiles and quality of Castello Monaci wines elevate our product and vice versa,” he said.  It’s evident the supreme quality is a reflection of the heart and soul put into each bottle. “We don’t buy grapes, we grow all our own,” Seracca said of his family owned vineyard located in the “heel of the boot” of Italy.

Some of the carefully crafted pairings were the Liante Salice Salentino with the spicy fennel sausage, fior de latte and roasted fennel pizza finished with toasted fennel sea salt.

It was also a great match for the smoked eggplant, wood roasted eggplant and arugula tossed in Peranzana extra virgin oilve oil.

 The Artas Salento was used to braise the oxtail which was served on a pie with caramelized cipolini onions and gorgonzola. It was also an outstanding compliment to the truffled mushroom pizza with potato confit and aged goat parmesan. For Piluna Primitivo, the classic margarita with fresh basil and crushed tomatoes was a perfect combination.

 

 

“Because of the dominant Mediterranean influences of Castello Monaci, the traditional wood char on the pizza is a main factor these pair well together,” Britton said. “It was a pleasure tasting along side Luigi and having the high level wine audience Stew Leonard’s attracts makes the event.”

 

 

Chef Britton tells That’s SO Jenn about Pies on Wheels:

TSJ: What’s more challenging, this business venture or your time on Dinner: Impossible?

It certainly depends. That show was never fixed and the challenges were really intense. Particularly because we did so many. The objective of Dinner: Impossible is for us not to succeed so they started interjecting more and more difficult challenges. A lot of difficulty of figuring things out just comes from experience. There are no short cuts, as long as you work hard.

TSJ: Are you still in touch with your former TV colleague Robert Irvine?

CB: Yes, he’s a good guy who’s very good at what he does. He’s a star. I think there were times when he was thankful I was there and I’m sure there were times when I got on his nerves, but that’s the intensity of the show. I consider him a dear friend, a colleague and a bro.

TSJ: Why pizza and why a truck?

CB: It’s a rolling billboard. I bought an old municipal truck on Ebay, designed it, and had it all mobile certified with the health department. The truck is a transformer so every piece locks in. The key thing is the oven. Everything is built to move that oven from point A to point B.

I started with a very classic background in the ACF chef’s apprenticeship, spent a lot of time at the Ritz Carlton and Four Seasons, and this is sort of a second life in pure wood cooking. We bought this oven, it’s the largest oven they make commercially, so we could do volume as well as finesse.

TSJ: A traveling party! What can people expect when you pull up to their driveway?

CB: It usually starts out with a package of 50 people and 65% of what we do is private functions; birthdays, special occasions, end of weddings, part of weddings. We’re completely self-sufficient so we can roll anywhere. It’s also build for volume, which means festivals, fairs, the Saratoga race track and Americade. It’s idea for pizzas, but we can also do things like plank salmon, paellas, lobsters, lamb roasts and smoked turkeys.

TSJ: How do you decide what to serve at each function?

CB: We always include the usual suspects; margarita, pepperoni, sausage, and then we bring surprises. We’ll start cooking five or six different kinds and guests can come up and eat. Then they’ll make requests and we just bust a move. It’s a minute to bake, a minute to make so you can ask for it, we make it and we serve it. They’re all 12 inch pizzas, not individual slices. We do whole wheat, gluten free, vegan, vegetarian and we include beverages and salads. We also offer antipastos and wine bars. It’s really in depth with more than just pizza. It’s a lot of fun and very free spirited.

TSJ: What’s your secret weapon for a great pie?

CB: Really nice pure ingredients, a good technique and a little char on the corner, cooked very fast with the integrity of what it was meant to be. We use specific olive oil from Italy, the Saratoga Olive Oil Co., who sponsors us. We also use a crushed Jersey tomato, and we don’t even cook the sauce because it cooks in the oven from the intensity.

TSJ: What is your go-to topping?

CB: Smoked mozzarella. At times just fresh basil, mozzarella and olive oil. It doesn’t get much better than that.

TSJ: Favorite pizza?

CB: White bacon with crispy garlic.

TSJ: Most popular pie?

CB: Margarita. Fresh basil, tomato and mozzarella always seems to be the queen of pies.

TSJ: One topping that should never be allowed on pizza?

CB: We do duck, foi gras, pigs feet. I’ve done cottage cheese and salmon caviar…

TSJ: Sounds like its all fair game! If you could describe yourself as a pizza, what you be?

CB: Me as a pizza? I would have to say simple tomato, garlic and basil.

TSJ: Why a mobile truck rather than a restaurant building?

CB: We don’t have a lot of the burdens restaurants do such as rent. It’s much simpler. I can control everything and I really prefer it. We’re meeting all kinds of people and we have a specific product that we’re very proud of. I’ve spent a lot of time in resorts, I’ve owned restaurants, I’ve done catering and this is just so much fun.

Besides catering 140 events a year (including 40 straight days at the race track!), Chef Britton will be mentoring an amateur chef in a reality show style cooking competition to raise funds for children with terminal illnesses. The event will be held at the Great Escape Lodge in Queensbury, NY this summer. He is also in the process of bottling is own upcoming line of bottled aiolis, agrodolces, gastriques and sriracha.

published April 19, 2012

Wined Down: Rosé Will Get You Laid

by JOE ROBERTS

If you’re looking to maximize the chances of a “check, please!” moment during your next dinner with that special someone, then you may need to ditch the Big Red wine. That’s right, friend—buck up and order some rosé with that high-priced date night meal.

Now, I’ve been up and down the entire world of wine, and the best way I know to summarize this bit of vinous truth is with a quote from a bona fide rock-star-turned-winemaker I once interviewed: he referred to rosé as “The Leg Spreader.”

Rosé gets a bad rap, despite its gorgeously suggestive color, due in most part to the near oceanic levels of overly-sweet, barely-drinkable pink-plonk currently on the market. As one award-winning wine educator friend of mine likes to say, “rosé is guilty by pigmentation!” The result is that the less adroit wine guzzler is afraid that sipping a rosé suggests more “cheap-ass wine newbie” than “sophisticated, sexy lover of all things epicurean.”

Now, if for some strange reason that undeserved pink-plonk perception has persuaded you to question the sexual conquest advice from a bona fide rock star (hey, what do they know about getting girls, right?), the host of recent scientific studies cited below ought to help convince the logical hemisphere of your brain to resist ordering her a glass of that ginormous Cabernet and go with the pink drink:

• Last year, The Times Live in New Zealand reported on a global poll of over ten thousand women across five countries (including the U.S. of A.) in which almost 70 per cent of the ladies called wine “essential” to creating a romantic setting during a date. Over fifteen percent of the women said that rosé is the only wine that they drink. The article also reported that since 2009, rosé consumption has risen 160 percent—so those girls are definitely putting their money where their cute, pouty mouths are. Red wine? Down 15 per cent (doh!). 

• While you shouldn’t have much trouble finding a dry rosé to compliment a meal, don’t write-off the sweeter pink stuff entirely. According to a 2011 study carried out jointly by a Cornell professor and Master of Wine Tim Hanni and reported by SFGate.com, people with tastes that swing towards sweet and/or delicate wines may have more sensitive palates, and can also be more sensitive to touch - so much so that they don’t bother wearing panties at all. Okay, it’s not a direct link to rosé, but hypersensitive types will likely eschew the Cabernet (and the “no panties” part certainly gives you a head start on the evening).

• More recently, ZeeNews.com in India noted a study from Florence, Italy (where they certainly have their priorities straight), which found that moderate wine consumption enhances just about every aspect of both a man’s and woman’s sexual experience, including duration (if there were a Nobel award for underscoring the obvious from centuries of “field research,” this study has got to be the clear front runner). And we’ve known for several years (thanks to research co-sponsored by the Australian Wine Council and Match.com) that having knowledge of wine actually makes you appear measurably more attractive to members of the opposite sex. My guess is that being able to bust out a killer rosé is going to make you look like you’ve got wine smarties to spare.

Besides the good old fashioned bonus points you can accumulate by deferring to what she wants to drink for at least one night, the above data puts a lot more potential pay-off value behind knowing a go-to pink wine than it does for going with the tired old “if I ain’t having big Cabernet then ain’t nobody drinking any vino tonight” approach.

 My advice: get over your fear of pink and get familiar with a rosé like Paul Jaboulet’s “Parallele 45″ Rose (Cotes du Rhone, France, about $14); it’s widely available, has a name that’s easy to remember, and sports a killer combo of sexy, crushed red berry fruit and enticing floral notes. It’s got enough tanginess to match with just about any food either of you will order up, and has probably helped savvier wine drinkers access more trim than the entire lawn and garden section of The Home Depot.

So there you have it—rock stars, scientists, a Master of Wine, and hundreds of years of amorous Italians agree on the sexual kung-fu mastery of a decent rosé with dinner. Just makes sure to use that newfound vinous power for the forces of good…

Shamrock Sour

2 parts Basil Hayden's Bourbon
1/2 part Green Chartreuse
1/2 part Lemon Juice
1/2 part Grapefruit juice
1/2 part Agave Syrup (To make, combine equal parts water with Agave syrup)
1/4 part Egg white

Combine all ingredients in a mixing tin and shake without ice to blend. Add ice and shake. Strain over fresh ice in a double rocks glass and garnish with a mint spring and a lemon wheel.

Diamonds In the Skyy (Courtesy of CulinaryDropout)

1 1/2 oz Skyy Vodka
1/2 oz Yellow Chartreuse
3/4 oz fresh lime juice
2 dashes cherry bitters
1 barspoon cherry gastrique
Ginger beer

Try the cocktail that made Marc Bonneton the winner of the Bacardi Global Legacy Cocktail Competition:

BACARDI Fizz

50 mL Bacardi Superior Rum
40 mL cream
15 mL Green Chartreuse
15 mL lemon juice
15 mL lime juice
15 mL sugar syrup
1 egg white
top with soda water

Dry-shake the egg white in a shaker with no ice, then add all the other ingredients and shake for a long time to emulsify the egg white and the cream. Fine-strain into a tall glass and top with soda water. Garnish with a sprig of mint.

The South Park Cocktail

1 1/2 oz Spring44 Gin
1/2 oz Yellow Chartreuse
3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
1/4 oz agave nectar
2 dashes Angostura bitters
8 mint leaves

Shake all ingredients with ice, double strain into a chilled coupe. Garnish with a mint sprig.

Go Ahead, Taste a Pig's Nose

Sure this whiskey may possess a dubiously weird name that’s not very seductive for the purposes of putting to your lips. After all, isn’t a pigs nose the furthest image you’d get when savoring a fine tasting blended scotch whiskey? Well I had the opportunity to sample Pig’s Nose at this year’s Sun Wine Fest and was extremely impressed. It was refreshingly soft and smooth, yet reassuringly rich… the whisky’s name plays on the notion that it’s as smooth as a pig’s nose.

Created by Richard Paterson, Scotland’s only third generation Master Blender at Spencerfield Spirit Company in a patch of idyllic farmland, Pig’s Nose is produced in specially selected first fill oak casks, its remarkable smoothness achieved by combining oak-aged Speyside, Islay and Lowland malts with superior Invergordon gentle grain whiskies.  There are typically two processes for making whisky: the Pot Still and the Patent Still process. Pig’s Nose is made using the pot still which is best for malt production as opposed to grain whisky.

Every thing is mellow about this blend from its rich nose, golden sand highlights to rich and creamy tones. You get an almost spicy richness as these great flavors attack the palate and then beautifully reward it with elegant and distinguished mouth feel. The delicate Speyside Malts, this whiskey’s heart, play a major role in pulling this quality blend together.

^{TODD MAUL OF CLIO | Photo: CONOR DOHERTY}

DRINK DECONSTRUCTION

Consider mad scientist Todd Maul, who is designing a cocktail list for Clio (370A Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, 617.536.7200) that would befuddle a chemist. Or at least someone like me, whose most significant exposure to chemistry comes from living out — ahem, I mean watching — episodes of Breaking Bad.

I spoke with Maul while he was working with a couple of Harvard PhD candidates in bio-chemical engineering to “crack open” green Chartreuse with a rotary evaporator, a machine often used in molecular gastronomy. “It allows me to deconstruct alcohol, basically to break things down to their molecular components,” Maul explains. It's a multi-stage process, with each use stripping off more voluble molecules. The first to come off, Maul says, are the aromatics, which create something similar to a perfume. Next is the straight alcohol, which comes out at 160 proof, regardless of the spirit you begin with. (Don't drink that.) Further steps strip out rounder, bigger molecules. Eventually, you're left with the essence of what makes, say, Chartreuse Chartreuse. “The point of it is, I'm able to break open Chartreuse, just seeing how it works and what I can do with it,” Maul clarifies.

The essence of Chartreuse is then introduced to heat in a sugar pan, where it takes on a thicker viscosity. Now it's ready to be used for cocktail mixing. I tried it in a variation on a Manhattan called a Somerville, where it's mixed with rye and the essence of a cigar, which Maul creates by soaking a cigar in vodka until it breaks open and running the mix through the rotary evaporator. Drinking a cigar doesn't exactly sound appetizing, but the result is a lightly smoky cocktail that mostly just tastes like a perfectly made Manhattan, with the essence of Chartreuse working off the high notes of the rye.

Good Things Come

Created by Jeff Grdinich; recipe courtesy Beta Cocktails, by Kirk Estopinal and Maksym Pazuniak

1¾ ounces Redbreast Whiskey
½ ounce Pedro Ximénez Sherry
½ ounce Fernet-Branca
¼ ounce Yellow Chartreuse
Dash Scrappy’s Lavender Bitters

Combine the whiskey, Sherry, Fernet-Branca, Chartreuse and bitters in a cocktail shaker filled with ice and shake. Strain into a coupe glass.

Nick’s Wine Of The Week – A Sumptuous Beaujolais. Yes, Really!

This week’s Five Star Nick’s Wine of the Week, the Morgon Côte du Py 2009, Potel-Aviron ($22) from Beaujolais, is a very big wine.

Now I know, “big” and “Beaujolais” are not normally words used in the same sentence, but then this is not a normal Beaujolais.

The wine from this region just south of Burgundy has fallen deeply out of fashion over the last couple of decades, a demise not entirely unrelated to its own shortcomings – but wine aficionados who pay attention to these things have long known that there are gems to be discovered amongst all the dross. Good value gems too.

These are the ten Cru Beaujolais, villages that produce more concentrated and flavorful wine, that they are entitled to sell under their own names. One of the most respected is Morgon.

But just as Morgon is a special class of Beaujolais, there are even finer distinctions of quality within the Morgon appellation, Côte du Py being the best known.

The Mont du Py is an 1100 ft extinct volcano, so the soil of the surrounding slopes, the côtes, are heavily volcanic and rich in minerals.

For winemaker Stephan Aviron “It is a special area of Morgon….to me the Cote du Py hill is the best terroir of Morgon, and I am sure one of the best of the whole Beaujolais area.”

“The Côte du Py is much more mineral….the terroir is very different. All the area close to Côte du Py, Les Charmes or Corcelette, we have much more sand and clay. In Côtes du Py it’s only rock and volcanic soil so we have much more minerality and that’s a very, very good terroir to make very good wine, especially when we have a very good maturity, like 2009.”

I asked Aviron what appealed to him about the 2009 vintage. “I like the red fruit flavor, I like the minerality, and if I compare Côte du Py to Moulin-a-Vent, the Côte du Py has much more finesse. There’s more fatness and roundness in the Moulin-a-Vent, in the Morgon Côte du Py it is different.”

Finesse? Perhaps compared to it’s neighbors, but this is still a sumptuous and richly-textured wine laced with the floral notes of irises and lavender, and packed with a fecund richness that reminds me of a well-hung pheasant.

Good wines from the Cru villages, especially Morgan, can last for decades but I expect the 2009, with it’s soft-fruit accessibility, will peak in about five. But whether I am right or not, it will be a rewarding progress to watch.

Smooth Sipping: Irish Whiskey Cocktail

Share | Print -->

Irish whiskey makes the perfect St. Patrick’s Day cocktail—no green dye needed.

By Jessica Voelker Published -->

Photograph by Scott Suchman.

If green beer lacks the class you’re seeking in a St. Patrick’s Day beverage, consider a cocktail made with Irish whiskey. The spirit’s signature smoothness comes from a tradition of triple distillation—much of the world’s whiskey is distilled only twice. The extra step removes impurities but can also rob the beverage of complexity and character, which is why Scotch and bourbon fans sometimes snub it.

“They call it breakfast whiskey,” laughs Bill Thomas, co-owner of Jack Rose Dining Saloon in DC’s Adams Morgan. But Thomas stocks some Irish whiskeys that he says will satisfy complexity seekers, including the $65-an-ounce Knappogue Castle 1951 and several brands made at the Cooley distillery on Ireland’s east coast.

When experimenting with Irish whiskey in cocktails, Jack Rose beverage director Rachel Sergi recommends a less pricey product such as Powers Gold Label (about $19 for 750 milliliters at Calvert Woodley Wine & Spirits), which she describes as “caramely with some spice but not too sweet.” She uses it in her own version of the Tipperary—Irish whiskey, green Chartreuse, and sweet vermouth—named for the town in southern Ireland. The Chartreuse lends it a greenish cast, making the drink perfect for Saint Patrick’s Day. Sergi’s recipe—which calls for equal parts of the three ingredients—is virtually foolproof, which should help any St. Paddy’s soiree go smoothly.

1 ounce Irish whiskey

1 ounce green Chartreuse

1 ounce sweet vermouth (Sergi suggests Martini & Rossi or Dolin Rouge)

1 mint leaf for garnish (optional)

Pour the whiskey, Chartreuse, and vermouth into a pint glass, then add ice cubes until it’s about two-thirds full. Gripping a bar spoon as you would a chopstick, stir ingredients about 50 times, keeping the back of the spoon against the inside of the glass as much as possible. Strain ingredients into a chilled cocktail glass. Add mint leaf if desired.

This article appears in the March 2012 issue of The Washingtonian.

We asked our resident Irishman and professional drinker Luke McKinney for some advice on St. Patrick’s Day. And once we deciphered his answer in our Irish-English-to-American-English dictionary, we found a great list of drinks that are supposed to be green. 

On St Patrick’s day it’s traditional to drink green beer, and like most traditions it’s based on idiots doing dumb things over and over without ever asking “Wait a minute, isn’t this stupid?”

Though, to be fair, fifteen pints is almost perfectly designed to prevent people from asking intelligent questions.

Your beer stopped photosynthesizing a very long time ago. It has no reason to be green. You’ll also notice that ordering “the green beer” means you’re not mentioning a brand, or a style, so you’re paying bar prices and you’d be lucky to get Old Man Hobo’s Trouser-Leg-Stain “Lager”, because the publican is saving beer with actual names for the more discerning customers. Besides, anything that turns your piss green should be killing you to try to take over the Enterprise.

Going green might be a stupid idea for beer, but it’s a great excuse for trying new drinks. Because anything is a great excuse for trying new drinks! And Kermit didn’t know what he was talking about: it’s easy being green.

Luke McKinney / MCD

Everybody’s Irish

2 oz Irish whiskey
½ oz green crème de menthe
½ oz green chartreuse

shake well

This isn’t a cocktail, it’s a cunning way of filling a cocktail glass with cheap whiskey and still looking classy. It’s also a funner way to say “double whiskey,” and let’s be honest, that’s a fun phrase to use already. Never mind the name, even the recipe is really Irish: a load of whiskey and a wee drop or two of green stuff.

This drink understands that every ingredient should contribute to the final taste. Fake color is for idiots painting themselves orange instead of sitting in the sun – real people know it’s the experience, not the final color, and this drink respects that. The crème de menthe and chartreuse might be green, and an insane battle of flavors, but the color-coded conflict is taking place on an entire battlefield of whiskey. So instead of short-circuiting your tongue, their struggle adds an interesting depth to whichever cheap firewater you used. Just make sure you are using cheap whiskey. If an Irishman catches you pouring mint into real drink, he’s liable to rescue it from you–with violence.

You can class up an Everybody’s Irish with the:

Luke McKinney / MCD

Shamrock

1 oz Irish whiskey
1 oz dry vermouth
3 dashes crème de menthe
3 dashes green chartreuse

shake well

With a blatant name like “Shamrock” this sounds about as genuine as a mall Santa, but less alcoholic. It’s certainly more European, cutting the whiskey with a continental liquor, and the result is just as you’d expect: more sophisticated but less direct fun. You also need to be careful with the crème de menthe because it’s the Borg of liqeurs: it looks a bit silly but will utterly overwrite any drink it gets into. You need strong ingredients like whiskey and vermouth to cancel it out, because a drink with too much crème de menthe is how recovered hobos hark back to the old days by pretending they’re drinking mouthwash.

iStockphoto/Thinkstock

Mexican Leprechaun

Chill a shot glass in the freezer

Pour some crème de menthe

Gently pour cheap tequila on top, creating a layered drink. (Pouring the tequila over the back of a spoon can help.)

Layered drinks are visually interesting, difficult to make, entirely stupid, and this is the only exception. A layered drink is also known as pousse-café, and if you think that sounds like somewhere wimps drink non-alcoholic beverages you’re pronouncing it wrong but still entirely correct. Being more impressed with a drink’s color than its contents is how we got into this green beer mess in the first place! But where every other layer is out to create a sparkling rainbow, this is out to get you brilliantly hammered.

The Mexican Leprechaun might sound like the WWE got desperate for novelty characters (because seriously, screw Hornswoggle), but it’s fun, fast, functional, fast-acting — hell it’s practically medicine. This shot is a Kryptonite-fueled power plant: using the overriding evil of a bright green chemical to unleash wonderful power from even the most dangerous substances. The separated layers aren’t designed to look good. They have jobs to do, because chilled crème de menthe is an emergency override for the sense of taste. You could suffer a gunshot to the mouth, and if iced menthe was poured into the wound your last thought would be “Goddamn that’s minty.” Allowing you to down even the cheapest, paint-stripperiest tequila — the shot flashes past your tastebuds, and before your nervous system even knows it’s been insulted the speeding glacier of cold mint has turned your entire oesophagus into green ice. You’re pissed and refreshed at the same time — hell, between the sterilizing tequila and minty menthe, you’ve practically brushed your teeth.

Luke McKinney / MCD

Irish Flag

Layered drink: pour crème de menthe, irish cream, and grand marnier, in that order.

Yes, I just said that layered drinks are stupid, but since when was that a reason not to do something on St Patrick’s Day? The Irish Flag is everything wrong with layered drinks, an alternating horror which only looks like it would be fun. And let’s not pretend that we haven’t all done something (or someone) like that on a night out. You start with a faceful of bitter orange, which students of Irish history might know isn’t the most fantastic concept for the Republic, then brown Irish Cream because it’s not white, then a blast of mint. The only way this would be useful if you just said something stupid to the person you were chatting up and now you want to punish your tongue, and forget that you ever said it, all at once.

But it’s incredible fun to serve as a shooter. It looks cool, no-one can resist knocking it back when you’ve gone to all the bother of making it, and the expression on their face is priceless. Especially because you won’t be able to resist trying one yourself. It’s a silly, fun, alcoholic shared experience, probably a bad idea, and you’re going to do it anyway. This drink IS St Patrick’s Day!